Ethans portfolio
About the portfolio
This portfolio consist of two fictional stories. One which follows a dynamic between two brothers in which one is struggling with PTSD and the other has the guide him through that. The trauma story is based off of a scene from my favorite show “Mr. Robot” where the character in this story is being shown the truth about what happened to him as a child. The poems talk about life, my dogs and someone standing out in the rubble. Finally the reflection talks about me as a write and my experience while taking this creative writing course.
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Three poems
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Three poems *
Everythings filled with joy, so bright, so colorful.
I run, I run without thought for my well being.
No consideration for anything dreadful that may come my way.
I'm tired, so tired, I sleep as happy as ever.
Oh spring, you are the sunshine on a merky day
You are the dear in a pack of hungry wolves
You are the soft bit in a pile of hard rock clay
You are the 4 leafed in a field of 3 leafed cloves
Oh spring, you really are magnificent
You are a classic coke in a pile of diet cokes
You are the final booth available in a restaurant
Oh spring, you are a miracle so equivalent,
You are something that really has never broke,
You are something that i love within vermont
The liquid of a river
no longer flowing,
The wood of a fire
no longer burning,
The leaves of a tree
no longer growing,
The light from the sun
no longer shining,
The wheels of a car
no longer rolling,
The time on a clock
no longer ticking,
One singular world
no longer running
Brothers draft
John eyes the target through the tunnel of the scope, he pivots his gun making sure it
follows the subtle path of the deer. He takes a sliver of time, just a slight moment to admire the
beauty of life. He raises his head from the scope and just takes a pause, he then lowers his
head so his eyes are once again in the scope, he then takes a shot. John treks through the leaf
and mud filled ground to go snatch his hunt. Once John arrives back he hangs the deer up and
preps it for skinning later in the day. John enters his house, takes off his cap and jacket and
finds his way to the fridge in hopes of getting a snack. He sighs and walks through the little
living room and dinner table that is parallel to it, he makes his way over to his brother's room. He
knocks on the door.
“Mikey” he gets no answer
“Mikey, i thought we had said that you'd be the one to stock up the fridge this time” he gets no
answer again.
Confusion has hit John smack in the face so with quick thinking he grabs the door handle and
pushes it down to open the door. As he enters Mikey's small and enclosed room he witnesses
Mikey sitting at a wooden desk with his back facing John.
“Hey Mikey, everything alright man” John says with a quite toned voice as he inches a little
closer. John eventually puts his hand lightly on Mikey's shoulder in hopes of a response. Mikey
jumps, this startles John but he immediately assures Mikey that everything is ok.
“Oh uh sorry John i don't know what that was, just did not get a good sleep last night is all.”
John looks straight at Mikey with piercing eyes.
“Yeah, alright man, well I got a deer... so we are gonna have venison tonight”
“Sounds good” Mikey replies
As night falls John begins preparing the Venison for himself and his brother Mikey. Once
finished cooking, John arrives at the dinner table with two plates, one for himself and one for
Mikey.
“So, you mind telling me what that was all about earlier?”
Mikey shoots John a timid look then shakes his head.
“Mikey, your my younger brother it's my job to look after you, and after everything you have
been through you can not get mad at me for worrying”
Mikey aggressively puts down his fork and looks John straight in the eyes.
“Man if I wanted to talk about all this I would, why can you not see that?” Mikey says in a raised
voice.
“Mikey i understand that, But you know i can't help you if i do not know whats going on... we are
both grown adults, so please act like one for just a moment will you?”
Mikey with emotions in his eyes stands up out of his chair and walks back to his room. John
stays at the table to finish his dinner. Once finished he stays at the table for just a moment, just
to think about things that may be twisting his mind, he stares out the window in front of the
dinner table and into the endless woods ahead. No society, no people, just woods and its
natural inhabitants.
John eventually gets up and makes his way to his room which is right across from
mikeys in a paper thin hallway. He enters his room, lies down on his bed and begins to read.
John loses track of time and reads for a bit longer than he should have. It is approximately 2am
in the morning by the time he is finished reading his book. Right as John is about to lie down for
bed he hears what seems to be a glass break outside his room. John's heart rate begins to
speed up a bit as he stands up to investigate the noise. He opens the door to peek his head out,
by doing this he is able to see the entire house apart from the living room. All John sees is
Mikey sitting at the table with a blank expression on his face. John walks out of his room in a
white T-shirt and shorts.
“Mikey why is there glass all over the floor here”
“I dropped a glass, i'll clean it up later”
“John you said you wanted to talk, and i decided i'm ready too”
John nods at Mikey and takes a seat right across from Mikey at the dinner table.
“John, do you ever feel that it gets lonely out here, like so far away from society and all”
“Sometimes maybe, but I've grown used to it” John replies.
“Sometimes I uh, sometimes I find myself getting lost in my thoughts, and um I think about our
parents and how that all ended.”
John looks at Mikey with a warm heart and nods his head a bit.
“Mikey, our parents, they were awful people, but I think that's part of the reason that we are so
close with each other now. If they were still here i just know for a fact that our relationship, our
lives would be non-existent”
“John, they are the reason I joined the army. I wanted to escape the suffering that they caused
me, by leaving everything I knew.. I thought I could flush them clean out of my system.. But you
know what the problem was with that John?”
“What?”
“All i found was a new way of suffering” Mikey says as his voice begins to shake
“Mikey i know we lost touch for multiple years but you told me everything was great”
“Well John, i lied” Mikey says
“Why did you lie Mikey”
There's a quick pause for a moment.
“Because... I did not think you would care, and how could you blame me? All our parents taught
us was hatred”
“Mikey we overcame that though, we had to teach ourselves to care for eachother”
Mikey shrugs as tears form in his eyes.
“Mikey, what about you being in the army did you lie to me about”
Mikey looks up at John from across the table and tilts his head.
“Mikey!” John yells
“I went on a tour! I went on a tour, John” Mikey says with a loud emotional voice.
John leans back into his chair as hes filled with shock
“Why did you not–” John is cut off
“Do you know what I saw? Do you know what I had to do to get back here?”
“No Mikey”
“We were sent in to go rescue a hostage, the objective was to get him back home safely...
everything that could have gone wrong went wrong, i was taken in as a hostage and um”
Mikey pauses for a moment as he looks up at the ceiling.
“The captors told me that the only way I would get out alive was if I killed the hostage we were
trying to save... i guess they were trying to prove some sort of point” Mikey says as a tear falls
from his eye.
“Mikey i uh-”
“You don't have to say anything man... But that moment, that short moment that felt like ages
just haunts me to this day five years later... and I can't even begin to express the look on his
face once I raised the axe, his eyes like a scared puppy, his body all tensed up... I looked a man
straight in his eyes just moments before I killed him... and that's probably the worst thing
someone can experience” Mikey says as he breaks down in front of John.
John immediately gets up out of his seat and goes over to Mikey, He stands him up and wraps
his arms around him.
“Every day I see that helpless man... and he reminds me of myself when I was a kid. I joined
the army to escape my suffering, but I just came back with more” Mikey says as they let go of
eachother.
“Just know... that your my brother, your all i got in this world man... and just wanna thank you
for being here at times were i can't even find myself” John says with a warm emotional voice
Mikey nods and they begin to hug once more before deciding to stay up the rest of the night to
ponder their thoughts with each other. It is now approximately 6am
“What's the point John, why do we keep going, why stay living a life we know we can't escape?”
“Because that's what we are supposed to do Mikey... that's all we can do, and we can't change
that, nobody can. We just have to stay strong through the tough times and we have to push
ourselves through those times.” John replies
Mikey looks at John with a nod of approval.
“What was his name Mikey?”
“It was Joe Decker I think, crazy thing is he apparently has a family just 50 miles south of here, I
have been debating with myself whether I should tell them the truth... because I know they just
got another bs story like the rest of them.”
There's a pause for a moment of thought
“Mikey you just gotta do what you think is right, just do what you can do”
“I do think it would help me overcome this issue I've been dealing with, because there is no way
in hell that I will be taking those pills that they give you, you see what they do to people?...
anyways i think i have to man, i think it will help me get my mind straight.”
“Mikey you gotta be careful thought, once they hear that you–”
“I know, i know the risk but i have too, its what's right”
“You sure you don't want me to come with you”?
“You know i can take care of myself” Mikey says
Mikey decides that he will confront the family of Joe Decker, the man he was forced to kill while
he was captured in war.
“I will see you later today man” Mikey says as he walks out to his truck
Brothers final draft
John eyes the target through the tunnel of the scope, he pivots his gun making sure it follows the subtle path of the deer. He takes a sliver of time, just a slight moment to admire the beauty of life. He raises his head from the scope and just takes a pause, he then lowers his head so his eyes are once again in the scope, he then takes a shot. John treks through the leaf and mud filled ground to go snatch his hunt. Once John arrives back he hangs the deer up and preps it for skinning later in the day. John enters his house, takes off his cap and jacket and finds his way to the fridge in hopes of getting a snack. He sighs and walks through the little living room and dinner table that is parallel to it, he makes his way over to his brother's room. He knocks on the door.
“Mikey” he gets no answer
“Mikey, i thought we had said that you'd be the one to stock up the fridge this time” he gets no answer again.
Confusion has hit John smack in the face so with quick thinking he grabs the door handle and pushes it down to open the door. As he enters Mikey's small and enclosed room he witnesses Mikey sitting at a wooden desk with his back facing John.
“Hey Mikey, everything alright man” John says with a quite toned voice as he inches a little closer. John eventually puts his hand lightly on Mikey's shoulder in hopes of a response. Mikey jumps, this startles John but he immediately assures Mikey that everything is ok.
“Oh, uh, sorry John i don't know what that was, just did not get a good sleep last night is all.”
John looks straight at Mikey with piercing eyes.
“Yeah, alright man, well I got a deer… so we are gonna have venison tonight”
“Sounds good” Mikey replies
As night falls John begins preparing the Venison for himself and his brother Mikey. Once finished cooking, John arrives at the dinner table with two plates, one for himself and one for Mikey.
“So, you mind telling me what that was all about earlier?”
Mikey shoots John a timid look then shakes his head.
“Mikey, your my younger brother it's my job to look after you, and after everything you have been through you can not get mad at me for worrying”
Mikey aggressively puts down his fork and looks John straight in the eyes.
“Man if I wanted to talk about all this I would, why can you not see that?” Mikey says in a raised voice.
“Mikey i understand that, But you know i can't help you if i do not know whats going on… we are both grown adults, so please act like one for just a moment will you?”
Mikey with emotions in his eyes stands up out of his chair and walks back to his room. John stays at the table to finish his dinner. Once finished he stays at the table for just a moment, just to think about things that may be twisting his mind, he stares out the window in front of the dinner table and into the endless woods ahead. No society, no people, just woods and its natural inhabitants.
John eventually gets up and makes his way to his room which is right across from mikeys in a paper thin hallway. He enters his room, lies down on his bed and begins to read. John loses track of time and reads for a bit longer than he should have. It is approximately 2am in the morning by the time he is finished reading his book. Right as John is about to lie down for bed he hears what seems to be a glass break outside his room. John's heart rate begins to speed up a bit as he stands up to investigate the noise. He opens the door to peek his head out, by doing this he is able to see the entire house apart from the living room. All John sees is Mikey sitting at the table with a blank expression on his face. John walks out of his room in a white T-shirt and shorts.
“Mikey what the hell are you doing?”John says firmly
Mikey just shrugs
“Why is that on the table?”
Mikey who is emotionless just stares off into the distance, seemingly just zoning out into his own comfortable world.
“Mikey!” John screams.
“Why is there a gun on the table? Please just answer me”
Mikey slowly looks up at John as his eyes begin to water.
“John… do you know how hard it is to live after what i have done”
“Mikey, I have… I have no clue what you’re talking about. Please just tell me what is wrong and I can help you.”
There is a long pause.
“Sometimes you just can't live with things” Mikey says slowly as he begins to reach for the gun.
“Mikey no!”
Mikey grabs the gun from the table and points it at his temple… everything for Mikey and John seemed to go silent at that very moment. The birds stopped chirping, the trees stopped swaying and the wind stopped blowing, they were frozen in time with no direction.
“Mikey stop, you're all I got!!” John screams.
Mikey has vanished from this reality, he is no longer in time with John. Just a blank person with no story. John makes a quick decision and dashes over to the other side of the table and reaches for the gun. Mikey's grasp is strong but it lets up, John then throws the gun across the room and turns around immediately to see Mikey sobbing with his face down on the table. John, who is on the verge of tears, walks up beside Mikey and comforts him.
“I am going to help you Mikey, I'm always… I'm always gonna be here for you.”
Mikey continues to sob into the chest of john.
“All i found was a new way of suffering” Mikey says as his voice shakes
“Mikey i know we lost touch for multiple years but you told me everything was great”
“Well John, i lied” Mikey says
“Why did you lie Mikey… Mikey you just had a gun to your head–”
Mikey cuts John off.
“No, it's ok,” Mikey says.
“It's Because… I did not think you would care, and how could you blame me? All our parents taught us was hatred” Mikey says emotionally
“Mikey we overcame that though, we had to teach ourselves to care for eachother”
Mikey shrugs as tears form in his eyes.
“Mikey, what about you being in the army did you lie to me about”
Mikey looks up at John from across the table and tilts his head.
“Mikey!” John yells
“I went on a tour! I went on a tour, John” Mikey says with a loud emotional voice.
John leans back into his chair as hes filled with shock
“Why did you not–” John is cut off
“Do you know what I saw? Do you know what I had to do to get back here?”
“No Mikey”
“We were sent in to go rescue a hostage, the objective was to get him back home safely… everything that could have gone wrong went wrong, i was taken in as a hostage and um”
Mikey pauses for a moment as he looks up at the ceiling.
“The captors told me that the only way I would get out alive was if I killed the hostage we were trying to save… i guess they were trying to prove some sort of point” Mikey says as a tear falls from his eye.
“Mikey i uh-”
“You don't have to say anything man… But that moment, that short moment that felt like ages just haunts me to this day five years later… and I can't even begin to express the look on his face once I raised the axe, his eyes like a scared puppy, his body all tensed up… I looked a man straight in his eyes just moments before I killed him… and that's probably the worst thing someone can experience” Mikey says as he breaks down in front of John.
John stands him up and wraps his arms around him.
“Every day I see that helpless man… and he reminds me of myself when I was a kid. I joined the army to escape my suffering, but I just came back with more” Mikey says as they let go of eachother.
“Just know… that your my brother, your all i got in this world man… and just wanna thank you for being here at times were i can't even find myself” John says with a warm emotional voice
Mikey nods and they begin to hug once more before deciding to stay up the rest of the night to ponder their thoughts with each other. It is now approximately 6am and the golden light shines into their living room
“What's the point John, why do we keep going, why stay living a life we know we can't escape?”
“Because that's what we are supposed to do Mikey… that's all we can do, and we can't change that, nobody can. We just have to stay strong through the tough times and we have to push ourselves through those times.” John replies
Mikey looks at John with a nod of approval.
“What was his name Mikey?”
“It was Joe Decker I think, crazy thing is he apparently has a family just 50 miles south of here, I have been debating with myself whether I should tell them the truth… because I know they just got another bs story like the rest of them.”
There's a pause for a moment of thought
“Mikey you just gotta do what you think is right, just do what you can do”
“I do think it would help me overcome this issue I've been dealing with, because there is no way in hell that I will be taking those pills that they give you, you see what they do to people?... anyways i think i have to man, i think it will help me get my mind straight.”
“Mikey you just pointed a gun at yourself and its just… once they hear that you–”
“I know, i know the risk but i have too, its what's right”
“You sure you don't want me to come with you”?
“You know i can take care of myself” Mikey says
Mikey decides that he will confront the family of Joe Decker, the man he was forced to kill while he was captured in war.
“I will see you later today man” Mikey says as he walks out to his truck.
Trauma story
“Samuel what are you doing? Please samuel just drop the knife”
“Get away from me!” Samuel yelps out
Present day... Samuel begins every thursday afternoon like he has been for the last 6
months, he awakes in his twin sized bed in an apartment located in new york city or also known
as “the city that never sleeps” ironically samuel has trouble sleeping just like the city, only
samuel doesn't choose to not sleep. As the afternoon arrives, Samuel heads to his weekly
therapy sessions just down the block with Ms. Catherine, Ms. Catherine has been doing therapy
with Samuel for approximately 6 months now.
“Hi Samuel” Ms Catherine says as Samuel sits himself onto the couch.
Samuel looks around the room for just a slight moment, he peeps at the window projecting an
apartment building, then he looks at the dark grass green painted walls that align the room.
“Hi ms.Catherine” Samuel says with a whispered voice
“Samuel, would you like to tell me what you have occupied yourself with this past week”
Samuel with his arms tucked between his legs just shrugs one of his shoulders.
“Not much, I've just been spending most of my time in my apartment on my phone or computer
or whatever.”
“You know samuel i was hoping you'd come to this session with those three new hobbies that i
wanted you to write down”
“I did not really find much interest in it, sorry”
“That's ok Samuel, next time” she says with a smile.
There's a bit of a pause in conversation between samuel and Ms.catherine
“Look Samuel, depression is a very serious thing, and i want to help you but for the last six
months i have seen virtually no improvements with your mental or physical well being, in fact im
worried they have gotten worse.” she says as she glances at Samuel
“I'm sorry i uh... its my dad”
Ms. catherines face turns to a confused yet shocked look.
“What about your dad Samuel”
Samuel moves a bit uncomfortably as he begins to think.
“I've uh, i've been having visions or dreams of him”
“What kind of dreams”
“Pretty bad ones, which is weird because he was like my best friend, we would do everything
together” Samuel says with a slight smile
Ms catherines face turns seemingly identical to a deer in headlights. She tries to pull herself
together.
“Samuel, tell me everything you remember about your father”
“Wait, why? What does it matter”
“Samuel can you please just do as i ask”
“Ok im sorry, well um, simply put he was my best friend, he helped me through troubled times...
and he helped me find my true self, though i seem that is lacking within me now.”
“Samuel, what were these visions you were having?”
“Oh um, well i think i remember i was swinging a knife at my father”?
Ms.Catherine takes a bit of a pause, and looks at him with a warm heart
“Your father passed away 10 years ago, Why do you think you would be having these visions
just in this past week?”
“I mean i'm not sure, maybe just something out of the ordinary”
“Samuel, why do you think those visions were of you trying to hurt your father”
“I mean i'm asking myself that same question, can we just move on please i see no point in this”
“Samuel, why were you trying to hurt your father in these visions if all you knew of him was
peace and love?”
“Ms. Catherine for the last time, I don't know!”
Samuel looks up at the ceiling with all types of emotion filling within his body.
“Remember how you told me there was a day where you ran out of the house and began
banging on the neighbors door.”
“Ms catherine, for the last time can we ple–”
Ms catherine cuts him off
“Samuel... you had a knife in your hand while you went to bang on the neighbors door”
“Wait... what” Samuel says with a tint of shakiness to his voice.
“Um... wait uh... are you telling me that these visions i am having are memories”? He says with
an uncomfortable look on his face”
“Samuel, do you remember what exactly happened that day?”
There's a pause
“Try to backtrack from the time you were at the neighbors”
Samuel is yet to respond and is still staring off into space with fear filled eyes.
“Samuel what were you running from on that day” Ms Catherine says with a nervous voice.
Samuel begins to look at Ms catherine with what seem to be tears forming in his eyes”
“I was running from my dad... but no, this does not make any sense, he was my best friend, i
loved him more than anything...”
A few moments later Samuel looks right past Ms Catherine with horror on his face.
“Why were you swinging the knife at your father Samuel”
Samuel does not answer yet continues to stare off with a face full of shell shock
“Were you trying to defend yourself from your father on that day”
Samuel is still frozen, yet he eventually breaks the ice
“Yes” he says with a voice that sounds the same as someone trying not to cry
“Why were you defending yourself from your father Samuel”
A tear drops from samuels eye as he puts all the pieces of the puzzle together.
“What was he trying to do to you” Ms catherine says with a shaky voice
Samuel can barely speak at this point, samuel places one of his hands on top of his head and
mutters out the strength to
“He um.... He... he sexually abused me”
Samuel breaks down in front of Ms Catherine, Ms Catherine looks at him like a loving mother
does to her child. Ms Catherine gets up out of her chair and wraps her arms around samuel, she
then slips a card with “early onstage dementia” on the front, and into his pocket
Trauma story final draft
“Samuel what are you doing? Please samuel just drop the knife”
“Get away from me!” Samuel yelps out….
“Hi Samuel” Ms Catherine says as Samuel sits himself onto the couch.
Samuel looks around the room for just a slight moment, he peeps at the window projecting an apartment building, then he looks at the dark grass green painted walls that align the room.
“Hi Ms. Catherine” Samuel says with a whispered voice
“Samuel, would you like to tell me what you have occupied yourself with this past week”
Samuel with his arms tucked between his legs just shrugs one of his shoulders.
“Not much, I've just been spending most of my time in my apartment on my phone or computer or whatever.”
“You know samuel i was hoping you'd come to this session with those three new hobbies that i wanted you to write down”
“I did not really find much interest in it, sorry”
“That's ok Samuel, next time” she says with a smile.
There's a bit of a pause in conversation between samuel and Ms.catherine
“Look Samuel, depression is a very serious thing, and i want to help you but for the last six months i have seen virtually no improvements with your mental or physical well being, in fact im worried they have gotten worse.” she says as she glances at Samuel
“I'm sorry i uh… its my dad”
Ms. catherines face turns to a confused yet shocked look.
“What about your dad Samuel”
Samuel moves a bit uncomfortably as he begins to think.
“I've uh, i've been having visions or dreams of him”
“What kind of dreams”
“Pretty bad ones, which is weird because he was like my best friend, we would do everything together” Samuel says with a slight smile
Ms catherines face turns seemingly identical to a deer in headlights. She tries to pull herself together.
“Samuel, tell me everything you remember about your father”
“Wait, why? What does it matter”
“Samuel can you please just do as i ask”
“Ok im sorry, well um, simply put he was my best friend, he helped me through troubled times… and he helped me find my true self, though i seem that is lacking within me now.”
“Samuel, what were these visions you were having?”
“Oh um, well i think i remember i was swinging a knife at my father”?
Ms.Catherine takes a bit of a pause, and looks at him with a warm heart
“Your father passed away 10 years ago, Why do you think you would be having these visions just in this past week?”
“I mean i'm not sure, maybe just something out of the ordinary”
“Samuel, why do you think those visions were of you trying to hurt your father”
“I mean i'm asking myself that same question, can we just move on please i see no point in this”
“Samuel, why were you trying to hurt your father in these visions if all you knew of him was peace and love?”
“Ms. Catherine for the last time, I don't know!”
Samuel looks up at the ceiling with all types of emotion filling within his body.
“Remember how you told me there was a day where you ran out of the house and began banging on the neighbors door.”
“Ms catherine, for the last time can we ple–”
Ms catherine cuts him off
“Samuel… you had a knife in your hand while you went to bang on the neighbors door”
“Wait… what” Samuel says with a tint of shakiness to his voice.
“Um… wait uh… are you telling me that these visions i am having are memories”? He says with an uncomfortable look on his face”
“Samuel, do you remember what exactly happened that day?”
There's a pause
“Try to backtrack from the time you were at the neighbors”
Samuel is yet to respond and is still staring off into space with fear filled eyes.
“Samuel what were you running from on that day” Ms Catherine says with a nervous voice.
Samuel begins to look at Ms catherine with what seem to be tears forming in his eyes”
“I was running from my dad… but no, this does not make any sense, he was my best friend, i loved him more than anything…”
A few moments later Samuel looks right past Ms Catherine with horror on his face.
“Why were you swinging the knife at your father Samuel”
Samuel does not answer yet continues to stare off with a face full of shell shock
“Were you trying to defend yourself from your father on that day.”
Samuel is still frozen, yet he eventually breaks the ice
“Yes” he says with a voice that sounds the same as someone trying not to cry
“Why were you defending yourself from your father Samuel”
A tear drops from samuels eye as he puts all the pieces of the puzzle together.
“What was he trying to do to you” Ms catherine says with a shaky voice
Samuel can barely speak at this point, samuel places one of his hands on top of his head and mutters out the strength to
“He um…. He… he sexually abused me”
Ms Catherine looks down at the floor as a tear falls from her eye.
Samuel begins to break down in front of Ms Catherine. Samuel stands up and walks over to the window to the side of them. Ms Catherine walks over to Samuel and places her hand on one of his shoulders. Samuel flinches and looks at her…
“How do people like me… keep moving forward after finding out something like this.?
“Well, I suppose it's really all you can do, Samuel, like you do not really have any other choice.”
Samuel looks at Ms Catherine, he gets closer to her and wraps his arms around her.
Reflection
For myself, I enjoy writing fictional pieces that can relate to the dynamics with my life and the dynamics that I have viewed within TV shows, movies and books etc. Fictional writing is probably the only type of writing that I find worthwhile, everything else just seems forced and mashed into a certain way that the professor wants. But fictional writing allows me to explore and paint my mind and thoughts all over the page without being binded to any sorts of formats or rules. It's not just more enjoyable, but I feel it makes me a better writer in terms of storytelling because I am actually engaged with what I am doing. Within my portfolio I have decided to include my draft of a short story(500-1000 words), my draft of a creative nonfiction essay and finally, my drafts of three poems. I enjoy writing fiction as I mentioned above, so I felt it would be wrong to not include at least two fictional stories that I feel pretty passionate and strongly about. The first story explores a man who is going to therapy for some trauma that he experienced in the past(this story is based off of a scene from my favorite show Mr. Robot). The scene in Mr.robot really pulled me in, and even though it has been two years since i've watched that show, i still think about this scene very often just due to the fact of how impactful and traumatizing it was. This next story explores a dynamic between two brothers where one has PTSD and the other tries to help him overcome it. I wrote this story because I have a younger brother and I look at the older brother in this story as the brother I wish I could have been to mine. The drafts of the three poems is something I wanted to include even though I really do not enjoy poetry. But I thought that I should get some variation in my portfolio to make it more engaging and a little less bland.
Throughout this semester this course made me realize something very important and detrimental to writing pieces. They need to be engaging and enjoyable for the reader. Sometimes movies, tv shows and books drag on and on and on with little to no payoff. Without a good payoff the story becomes bland and anticlimactic which is something nobody wants to see in a story. This course has definitely helped me with “building up” a story and then making sure it ends on a note where the reader can be satisfied, so that's why I also make sure the story is captivating and engaging before I begin. But Something that I have always wanted to improve on is grammar. I have never been good with it, But i do realize that it can hurt the flow of a story if the grammar is bad enough. I also sometimes struggle with “telling” and not “showing” within a story. But that is something that takes a lot of practice, and if i'm being honest, i do not know if i have the passion to get good at that. But I do realize that I probably will have to decide whether I like it or not. I just want to continue to put myself into my stories, reflections and anything else that we can call writing. I do not seek out success or validation, but I want to make sure that I am always trying my best no matter what the occasion is. I want to keep being myself when it comes to writing. That means accepting who you are, and embracing it. For example, The language I use in my writing represents me well. The language is not captivating or enthusiastic. It's calm and quiet but it does the work that needs to be done. Being simple in writing is not a bad thing, but I realized that I need to use those “simple” words well if I want to craft a great story.
I decided to incorporate two themes into my portfolio(Fiction and poetry). The two fiction pieces were incorporated solely because I enjoy fiction as well as because I feel they relate to me in different aspects. My fiction pieces are normally “sadder” than they are “happier” because I really want to grab my readers attention by tugging on their heart strings. A lot of fiction is based around sadness and loss(or at least that is what i have noticed with the fiction i watch), and for some reason themes of sadness and loss are much more enjoyable and captivating then themes of happiness and fun. The only limitation within this course that made it hard to write these fictional stories was the page limit. I feel both of these stories could have been a lot better and a lot more engaging if I was able to write 7-8 pages or so, this is because I would be able to thaw out the characters more and get the reader to connect with them a bit more. I do realize that part of that is on me, but personally I feel it is hard to create a very emotionally engaging story with just 4 pages or so. I incorporated another version of the brothers story that I was debating adding in my first draft. This version is a bit darker and probably more emotional as it captures the PTSD in a grittier way. The story based off of Mr. Robot is something that I did not change much, that is because I am honestly pretty happy with the way it turned out. But I just added a bit more to the ending and slight changes throughout that make the story clearer. I am very proud of myself for crafting both of these stories(mostly because these stories are based on themes such as brotherhood, trauma, loneliness etc, and I am very passionate about themes like these). The poems are something that I connected to my life and my three dogs(so again these are pieces that relate to me personally). Though they are all very short and sweet, I wanted them to portray a message to whoever reads them, whether that's love or loss it does not matter to me. Just something that the reader can walk away with. If i'm being completely honest, i did not change anything with these poems, because if i did i felt that would take away from what the poems mean to me. But i think that's the beauty of poetry, sometimes it does not need to be changed because it is already set in stone.
My process for creating a piece is a process that I honestly do not recommend to anyone. It is very simple, all I do is think of a story beforehand throughout the days that lead up to the day of writing. Then I just start writing, and sometimes the story changes as I'm writing. But that's what I find enjoyable about this process. I just come up with a rough story of something and then boom, i have something completely different a few hours later(sometimes not all the time).
For feedback purposes I just try to look at the comments that Professor DiSarro made throughout the semester. I tried my best to read it and incorporate it even though it might have not always turned out the way Professor DiSarro wanted it to.
My writing seems to have hit a stand still. I cannot really see myself getting any better than I already am(I'm not saying I'm great at writing, I'm just saying that I have hit a point in my writing where I do not think I can get any better.) I'm not a great writer, but I do not think I'm awful either. But no matter what, I will try my best to improve at this skill because I know it is a very important skill when it comes to the real world. But I feel I have improved on my use of language just a tad bit, but everything else has not really made a dent in the progress department. Progress within a skill is something you earn, and to earn it you have to put in the time and effort to obtain that. I do not dream of being a writer, but I do dream of being successful in life, and writing is a part of that dream. So I will try my best to improve on any skill that can help me obtain that hope in life even if that means writing something that I do not want to.